This Pain In Me
by ParanoidAndroid42
Summary: Written for a prompt at the Then There's Us ficathon on lj. Prompt was: TenII/Rose. The Doctor doesn't feel he's good enough for Rose, he thinks she's always thinking of the other Doctor.


A year had passed since that damned day. A year. He tried everything he could to prove that he was still the same man, that he still loved her, that he needed her. He needed her to help him, to guide him through this confusing new life in this confusing new universe.

Every night he slept on his own in a spare bedroom that Jackie let him use. Rose wouldn't touch him anymore than she had to. Gone were the hugs that had become second nature to him, gone was the hand-holding even though his hands always felt empty now and gone were the looks. Those small looks and smiles that said a thousand words, the looks that said _"I love you"_.

Every day he painted a smile on his face and bluffed his way through work, laughing and joking but his heart wasn't in it. Working at Torchwood was a constant ache but it was the only thing he could do. It was destructive and he knew it but seeing Rose everyday was worth the pain, even if the hope that burned in him was steadily growing fainter with each cursory glance she sent his way.

He just couldn't handle much more of it, he just wanted to know. Could Rose ever love him? Or was he just a constant reminder of how she was betrayed by the man she truly loved?

They had been paired together for a project, maybe someone up at management thought this was all a wonderful idea but the Doctor certainly didn't. Every time they were together in the same room there was an awkward silence that threatened to devour everything in its path. They got by on simple sentences and minimal communication.

"Pass the wormhole stabiliser."

"Do you want the laser spanner?"

Stuff like that. Simple and direct. No emotion involved. No playful banter or excess touching, actually they didn't touch. At all. His hands itched to feel her skin again, just so he could know that she was there. Except she wasn't.

A million miles away, in another universe. That's where Rose Tyler really was, flying through the stars with a Time Lord. Not a cheap knockoff like him. He hated it here, oh no-one ever said anything to him but he could tell. The pitying looks from Jackie, the barely concealed smugness of his colleagues and the blankness from Rose. He wasn't wanted, not by anyone.

"Hey, lunch break." Rose's voice broke through the fog of self-hate and despite himself that damned tiny flame of hope flickered and shone a bit brighter.

"You go, I'll carry on here."

"No."

He frowned at her and turned back to the twisted lump of whatever they were making, intent on smashing it into a thousand tiny pieces. A tug on his arm made him look at her again. She looked at him and he stared back, the tension making him clench his fist and grit his teeth to prevent him from saying something that would completely destroy them.

"You need to stop and take a break."

Too late.

"Since when do you care about me? Hmm? Rose Tyler, the woman who was supposed to make me better. What was wrong with me exactly? Because whatever was wrong with me then has only gotten worse. A year Rose, a year and you've never once spoken more than a few words to me and then only when you had to. A year of hoping that it would get better and we'd be able to go back to how we were. You and me. Rose and the Doctor. But then, I'm not am I? I'm not the Doctor. I'm just some unwanted rubbish with his face. You don't want me here Rose, you can pretend all you want but I can see the truth. You still think of him, you still love him. Oh how stupid am I to think you could ever love someone like me, a murderer, 'cause that's what I am, isn't it? Full of anger and revenge, sound familiar?"

He had backed her into a wall while he was ranting, while he vented all his pain and anguish. And now she looked into his eyes and she held out her hand. He stood there, confused and angry, not with her. Never with her, no matter how much pain she caused him he could never be angry with Rose.

"Read it." She nodded towards her outstretched hand.

_You are good enough._

He laughed, the pent-up emotions bursting out as he laughed again and then cried. He grabbed hold of her hand and linked their fingers, pulling her toward him and into his arms.


End file.
